Heavy Heart

Today I have a very heavy heart. This year has been a very trying year, I feel like I have been pulled in a million different directions and I am slowly starting to break down. There have been good and bad times this year but it seems like the bad outweighs the good sometimes. I think the devil is just working overtime on me. There are so many things that have happened this year that have just really hurt me and tested me. I am doing my best to stay upbeat and calm about it all but over time I slowly start to crack. I am one of those people that hold things in for so long and then one day I just break down. I feel like I am reaching the break down point. Chase and I first year of marriage has been trying to figure out what's wrong with him cause he has been sick for months on end. We now are talking about going to a specialist in Little Rock cause it seems like it continues to only get worse. On top of all of that there have been a million different things going on and as much as we are trying to be at all of them we can't. I feel like I can't please everyone and everything that we do is not good enough. Someone ends up mad cause we didn't do this or go here or pay for that or spend time with that person. And honestly I am so sick of it!!! We are doing the best we can and if that's not good enough then maybe our friendship isn't really what I thought it was. All I want to do right now is focus on my family and getting my husband better. It kills me to see him so sick all the time, so we are going to focus on that and if that upset's people then I am sorry for that but it's time that we focus on his health and us. When you first get married you never dream your first year will be in and out of Dr. Offices but God has a plan for us and I trust that he will give us answers. So for now I am just praying for peace and guidance, the rest of the world can wait.

Letting God take control

All my life I have always tried to handle my issuses, conflict, etc. on my own. I didn't think I needed help, I could just deal with it myself. I accepted the Lord when I was 11 but even after that I have always had that stubborn side that said I can handle this. Well guess what I can't....I have been so consumed lately with so many different emotions. This year I have dealt with heartbreak, sadness, anger pretty much all of the above which is not different than anyone else. My problem is becuase I don't give it all to the Lord and try to handle it myself that it starts to consume me. And before I know I am an angry person and I definitely don't want to be angry or upset or hurt or any of those things. I want to wake up everyday thankful for another day to live my life and share the Lord with others. So I pray that the Lord will take my burden and angry, sadness all away and help me to see everything through his eyes. I will never be perfect I will constantly make mistakes and I will pray and ask for forgivness and help more times than I can count but I always know that the Lord will help me through all of that each step of the way. I just have to ask him! So if anyone else out there is caring a load on their shoulders let it go, cause he wants us to turn to him and say Lord take it all away and help me. He wants to be needed and for me to talk to him everyday. He LOVE's me and that's a feeling that no one can ever take away! I pray for all my friends and family out there who have heavy hearts.
~Brittany

Wearing my heart on my sleeve...

So I have always had a problem with wearing my heart on my sleeve and always taking things to heart. This year has been really hard for me. Not only is it my first year of marriage but Chase and I have a lot going on right now with other things. We are trying our best to be and do and give as much as we can but it's really hard right now. It's really starting to get to me when people talk and act like I am not doing enough. I haven't had a weekend to myself or with my husband in a long time. We have contastly planned our weekends around and for other people. I am almost to a breaking point of throwing my hands in the air and saying I am done. I work two jobs, go to school and and helping others plan and do as much as I possibly can. So I think I need to stop letting others control and hurt my feelings. I am going to enjoy life and my husband becuase like I said this is our first year of marriage and we need to start focusing on each other and stop worrying about helping others as much. On top of it all Chase is sick and we can't figure out what is wrong with him. So starting today I will focus on getting my husband better cause that is more important than anything right now. And I will stop letting other things hurt my feelings or make me feel like less of a person. So no more wearing my heart on my sleeve, that is done and over. Sticks and stones, that's what I keep telling myself. :)

Praying....

Today I pray for not only my family but all the others out there. I pray for the sick, poor and the lost. But today money is heavy on my heart. I believe money is the root of all evil and even though I have to work for it everyday to survive, I still despise it so much. It changes people and for the worst in most cases. I pray that we can all get back to the basics and see things through a different light. We are all human and long for material things for the most part. Some more than others but it's human nature. I just pray that God opens my eyes to see that it's not worth my tears or stress. I just want to live my life for him and do what he has placed me on this earth to do. And so many times in my life I feel like I have lost sight of that and of him... All over money. So today I want to pray for everyone who is dealing with the stress of this evil thing I like to call money. Just know that God will take care of his children and we will not go without, he ALWAYS provides. If you are feeling the same way feel free to message me and I would LOVE to pray for you and maybe even meet up together and we can pray together. I know I need some encouraging/lifting up so I am turning it over to the Lord. Hoping each and everyone of you will do the same. Much Love~Brittany

Never feeling good enough....

I have always had this feeling ever since I was a teenager or childhood actually. I have never felt good enough to be loved or in sports...just in general. I know somewhat of what it stems from but that's besides the point and it can't be changed now. So my big question is how do you move on from these feelings. I do my best to be encouraging and uplifting everyday, it doesn't always work but I give it a try everyday. It's always so easy for me to uplift others or lend a helping hand, in fact I love doing that!! I would rather sit and listen and give advice or help a friend then to tell myself one good qaulity I see in myself. I constanly feel like I am not good enough and struggle to find that self worth...why I don't know. I really wish it wasn't this hard, I see the confidence and radiant beauty in others and I always think to myself why can't I have that. Is this a normal woman thing or am I really just too hard on myself? I just really want to know are there others out there that feel the same way? Sometimes I think that if we all opened up a little bit more than it would lighten the load off of others. Alot of our problems are started cause we feel alone and that no one else struggles with what we are going through. So if there is anyone out there that feels the same way I would like to know and maybe we can come up with encouraging words to help on a daily basis. :) Just random thoughts and feelings that usually run through my mind on a daily basis but I never act on it, I just always push it aside and move on.

I want so many things........

I want so many things out of life....Love(which I have found), relationship with God(been working harder on that), Kids, Degree, Money(but honestly not to much), Dream house, Land, Become a Mommy, Friends(have lots of these), Happiness and Confidence. Most of these things are what we all want out of life and I am so blessed to say that I have most of these things!! My main thing I really want to work on is loving myself and having confidence in myself. I want my future kids to see me as a strong role model and not a weak insecure woman. I know I can't be perfect but sometimes I put that pressure on myself to be just that. I want to look in the mirror and love me for me and realize that beauty is not just on the outside. It's so hard for me to see beauty within myself and so easy for me to see it in other people. I want this cycle to end....I have set goals for myself this year and I intend to do them. I want to be a positive person and a lovable person. I want to always have a smile on my face even if I am hurting or sad inside. You never know when that smile might change someone else's life. So all the things I want in life are so simple but yet are things that people take for granted everyday including myself. Take some time to tell yourself something good that you like about yourself because we are all worth loving and we are each individualy perfect! :)

Feeling pretty good....

So I have started the weight loss program once again, but this time I am feeling really good about it. Hopefully it will last! :) I have lost 3lbs so far, my goal is 25 so I got 22 more to go! I know I can accomplish my goal, I just need to keep up the positive attitude and keep watching my results b/c that is always incouraging. I don't want to look the way I do right now so I know I have to keep this up to see the results I want. So for now I am happy with the way things are going and I will keep everyone updated weekly for those who care anyways. haha :)
~Brittany

I hate the cold!!

I am so sick of the cold weather. It has me in a funk that I can't seem to get out of. Laziness has overcome me and I am slowly trying to find my way out. When I am snowed in all I wanna do it eat, sleep and eat some more. I am like a friggin bear!! But there is light at the end of the tunnel...yes we are about to get hit again but come Thursday and Friday the Sun will come out to play and by Sunday it will be around 50 degrees!! So I will hold my head up and my fork to get me through the next couple of days and then it's Sun and excersie time for me! :)

Blessed Beyond Measure

So this week has definitely been challenging that's for sure. I have had to fight the negativity off with a bat it seems like. But today I woke up with such a peace and knowing that I am truly blessed. There are so many times that I just get so overwhelmed in this hustle and bustle we call life. I sometimes just like to stop and step back and look at what all i have. I have a WONDERFUL husband that I still can't believe that he chose me! :) And I have some incredible friends, even though I don't get to talk to most of them on a daily basis I know they would drop everything if I truly needed them. I have awesome parents and the best little brother anyone could have! And have a wonderful NEW sister. She is an amazing person that has such a big heart! So does my mother-in-law. :) My in-laws are great and I am not even lying about that! ha :) They are all really good to me and I get along with everyone. Is my life perfect..ha not even close and half the time I think i might be a lil crazy! But I wouldn't change any of it or do anything over. Everything that I have gone through in my life has made me who I am today. I am proud of who I am and love me for me! Which has taken me a LONG time to do! I pray that everyone will find peace in their live and enjoy the life we have cause we never know when it will all end. Much Love!
~Brittany

Being a woman is exhausting!!

Ok so I am so tired of trying to battle this weight!! I don't eat terrible and I work out but I still can't seem to lose the weight that I want too. And then my husband drops over 40lbs!! I am happy for him don't get me wrong but it's so much easier for men to lose weight or so it seems to me. I am so mentally exhausted, count this, weigh this, don't eat that, Ok I can have that but will have to run an extra mile..on and on. I just want to be able to lose the weight and feel better about myself for once!! I know I am having a pity party for myself, but today I am just tired of being chunky! My husband tells me Brittany you are always beautiful to me and you look great! But in the back of my mind these are my thoughts...he has to say that, he wouldn't hurt my feelings so he says these things to make me feel better and etc. Why can't I just love me for me and stop with this constant pressure that I put on myself??? Who knows why, I can't figure it out. I know right now the enemy is working overtime on my mind and I refuse to let him win!! So I need to start praying hard before I go insane!! I think I am done venting now....who knows I may be back for more later!!

Ughh today is full of emotions....

Sometimes I feel that I am mutiple people combined into one body. And today Negative Nancy has come out to play. I have been fighting this horrible mood all day because I do not want to let it consume me. My hormones must be all out of wack or something..I dunno. I am just feeling off today and I am ready to get back on track. I want to be positive and thougthful and many other things that what I am today. This negative attitude or person I am today has got to go. I think I am going to kill Negative Nancy with kindness...haha, ok yep I definitely sound like a crazy person!!! But we are all a little crazy..some just won't admit it. And hey if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at. Well I feel better all ready, maybe Nancy has left my body. ha :) See y'all later for Random thoughts from the crazy lady!

Growing older is hard.....

Well every year that passes my dad ages, my mom ages, my brother ages...everyone around me including myself ages. Over time it gets harder and harder to see. Especially my sweet lil mammaw. She is 92 years old and I know that she will not live forever but all of my life I have never seen her down or sick. She has been in the hospital before, but I was never exposed to it. I have always just seen her as such a strong little woman. And I do mean little, I think she weights 85 pounds but she is one of the strongest ladies I know. She just recently had a stroke and while I know that a stroke can change the apperance of someone I wasn't prepared to see what I saw on Saturday. My poor mammaw didn't look like herself. She was compeltely coherent but can't speak or move much at all. It was devestating for me to see. When she saw me she started to cry so I took her hand and told her it's ok don't cry, you are going to pull through from this. I told her you are so strong and have lots of people praying for you. She shook her head yes and just squeezed my hand. I had a huge knot in my throat and couldn't stop the tears from coming down. When she saw my tears she just cried with me. She never took her eyes off of me and she kept trying to say something. So I just looked at her and said I love you too. She means so much to me and it kills me to see her like that. But on a brighter note she is doing really well considering her age. She knows what's going on around her and can shake her head yes and no to respond to anything you say. Chase acutally got her to giggle out loud..which brought all of us so much joy to hear her laugh. It kills me to not be able to stay with her. I just want to pick up everything and stay with her until she is well. But I can't do that. I have bills that have to be paid. The nurses are taking GREAT care of her and family members that are closer to the area are taking shifts staying with her. It just breaks my heart to see her this way but I know God will do what needs to be done and only he knows when it's her time to go. Until then I will continue to make trips to see her. I wore her out Saturday while I was there, she wanted me to brush her hair, put lotion on her face, chapstick on her lips and put water on her tongue. I didn't want to leave but knew it was time for me to go. She was getting so sleepy but kept trying to stay awake and she just stared and me while I sat by her. She is so precious to me and my family. We could all learn a few lessons from her. :)

Decisions...What to do???

Well I am a little bit unsure of what to do....I have so many things running through my head. I need God's direction right now. There are so many upcoming and great things happening! I want God to put me where he wants me, so that I can be the best the he wants me to be!! So for now I will just continue to pray and be patient...the whole patient thing is really hard for me. But I know he has a plan and his timing is always the best timing. :) So for now I will keep my head up and keep on moving forward and I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and my hubby! :)

The Start of a New Year...

I was so ready for the start of a new year! Don't get me wrong there were a lot of great things that came out of 2010 but there were things that were hard and trying to get past. My main goal this year is to focus on God and my husband and our family. We don't have any kids yet...but I am really wanting to start a family and so is he. We both want to wait but then don't want to wait either. Of course everyone wants to chime in on well you should really be married at least a year or two or this one is my favorite, do you know that they cost money! Haha really is that a serious question? My husband and I are not sutpid and we are well aware that a child is not cheap by any means. I told Chase(my husband) that WE need to decide on a family and when we want to start one together and not let outsiders influence us. Becuase it's not about other people want or think, it's about us. We also have had many that want us to have babies right now! haha :) So we will wait and see what 2011 brings...baby, maybe we will see! One of my best friends is having a baby and I can't wait for her and her husband to find out what it is!! I am gonna have a busy year, planning baby showers and wedding showers and bachlorette parties...I have three weddings so far that I am in this year and I am so happy for all of my friends that are getting married or that are starting to grow their families. 2011 is going to be a great year, I just know it. I have decided to stop letting the negative comsume me and to focus on what really matters...LIFE!!! God gave me this beautiful gift and I have wasted a lot of time here on earth complaning about what I don't have. I am not pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough....well i don't want to live like this anymore. I am a very blessed woman with lots of friends and family that care so much about me...it's about time I open my eyes and see that! My husband is wonderful to me and loves me so much!! I could not have asked for a better man to spend the rest of my life with....so 2011 let's get started and let's make this year great!!!!!